What's a parent to do?

Greetings

Recently my daughter Katie sent me an article on parenting in The New Yorker, "How Not to Talk to your Kids". The article reported on research that has been done on how children react to praise/encouragement. While the research was done on elementary school children, the researchers stated that it could be applied to children under the age of five.

The researchers wanted to find out what kind of praise motivated children more, to be told they did well because they worked hard or because they were smart. What they found was fascinating. Researchers gave the children the same test. The children who were told they did well because they had made an effort were more likely to select a harder test the next time while the children who were told that they did well because they were smart tended not to select a harder test and to shy away from areas where they didn't feel confident.

Why? The researchers postulated that the children who were told they were smart were invested in continuing to be viewed as smart while the other children felt that if they worked hard enough, they would do well. The children who were praised for their specific efforts were more likely to challenge themselves further in the next round.

Remember when we were all told that if we built up our children's self esteem that they would be successful in everything? We eliminated competition, gave prizes to everyone and never uttered a negative word to our kids.

This research claims that self esteem is not necessarily a key predictor of a child's success in school or reduction in substance abuse or aggression.

So what is a parent to do? This research looks strong and is probably valuable information for parents to have but so was the research on self esteem when it came out. In this world of "too much information" perhaps the best thing we can all do is read what is out there, decide what fits us and our children the best and go from there.

As long as we know in our hearts that we are doing the best we can, that we are providing our kids with love, learning opportunities, safety, and a healthy and nurturing environment, then I think they will grow up to be successful and happy and we will know that we did a good job because we were not just smart but also tried really hard.

Let me hear from you.


Jeanne